Clarity, honesty and assertiveness without apology are the keys to discussing
herpes with a new sexual partner-to-be. There is a lot of advice around
about herpes discussions. Generally, it is agreed that herpes should be put
into perspective, not made more or less of than it is. Remember that your own
overall feeling about this infection will come through strongly when you tell
your lover-to-be.
Avoid preparing for the discussion by painting a picture of impending doom.
Stay away from a tone or words that suggest "Sit down - I have something horrible
to tell you" or "Prepare yourself." Your role is simply to inform. Tell your
partner everything you know about herpes - what it is, how you know you
have it, how you avoid transmitting it, how you have handled telling people
before, etc. You may wish to practice role-playing first with a friend or counselor.
Tell your partner early, but not too early. Once you have established
mutual trust and realize you want to have a sexual relationship with this person,
then talk about herpes before you are physically involved. The subject of herpes
has a powerful way of curbing spontaneity or spoiling the moment. Thought and
sexual arousal are not well-suited partners. Plan the moment. Whether you choose
a long walk or a dinner is not important, but the absence of sexual contact
is. The discussion should take place where sexual contact is unlikely to follow
the discussion.
To truly provide informed consent to your partner, you will want to give him
or her a day or so to think about it. More time may be required if your partner
wants to read about herpes or talk to his or her own health care provider. You
must be comfortable with the knowledge you possess, since you must serve as
an initial source of information. Avoid using your knowledge to one-up or one-down
the person you are talking with. Instead, educate your partner on an equal basis -
make it a shared experience. Do your best to stay in control of the situation.
You have some medical facts to discuss and some plans for avoiding transmission.
You will want to tell your partner that this is something he or she is being
entrusted with because you feel that the relationship is worthy of it and you
sense that sexual involvement may soon develop.
Expect some expression of fear from your partner. Acceptance without fear could
mean that your partner knows about herpes already or else that he or she is
not dealing with the subject. Expressed fears can be dealt with and placed into
perspective. Remember that herpes is not you, any more than the acne on your
back is you or the bump on your nose is you. You need not apologize for having
herpes - not to yourself or to your partner - and you certainly do
not need to apologize for talking about it.